Although I routinely answer questions on the Housewife How To Facebook page, sometimes a question is asked by so many readers that it just makes sense to turn it into a blog entry. That’s certainly the case with today’s Reader Question from Vivienne whose New Year’s Resolution to clean and organize her house is running into the reality of a less-than-helpful family.
Dear Katie,
Since buying our house 3 years ago, it’s grown increasingly cluttered and dirty. I try my best to keep up with housework, but as a SAHM with two kids (3 and 5), plus a messy husband who comes home and flops in front of the television, it’s hard to do! This year I made a New Year’s resolution to get the house clean and toss some of the clutter, and then KEEP it that way. But here we are barely a week into the New Year and I’m already struggling.
How do I make my husband help out more? And is it unrealistic to expect children my kids’ age to pitch in, too?
Signed,
Mom Wants More Cleaning, Less Screaming
Dear Screaming Mom,
Before I tell you the answer, I want you to take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Better? Good, now sit down because you’re probably not going to like the answer.
The truth is, you can’t MAKE your husband help out more. (Take another deep breath, woman.) Remember, this was your New Year’s Resolution, not his. If you’d resolved to lose 10 lbs (and I’m not saying that you need to), you wouldn’t expect him to do that for you, would you? Of course not. I say this from experience, having spent the first ten years of my marriage trying to nag my sloppy, pack rat, hygiene-challenged husband into performing various household chores. It didn’t work, and it darned near drove me crazy. But over those ten years I learned a couple of things: like, how to make an amazing martini to reward myself at the end of the day, and how pointless it is to expect my husband to do chores simply because I think they need to be done.
That said, there are ways to invite and/or encourage him to do more things that will ultimately lighten this load you’ve chosen to carry. Here’s what’s worked with my husband:
- Never ask for help when his favorite show is on or about to come on. I used to ask my husband to spend an hour or so on Sundays helping me before football started. Know what happened? He’d rush through whatever I’d asked him to do, usually doing only a part of it, then plant himself in front of the TV so his sofa cushion would be warm before kickoff. You can imagine my mood for the rest of the day.
- Don’t ask for help the instant he comes home from work. As a SAHM, I totally understand how you’ve probably spent the entire day keeping a mental list of things you’d like your husband’s help with. Given how distracting the dinner routine can be, it’s tempting to rattle that list off when he gets home so you don’t have to keep remembering it. Don’t waste your breath. He’s not going to mentally register what you’ve said until he’s had time to change, sit down, and transition to actually being home. Just write a brief list for your own reference, and give him that time.
- Time it right. If you want daily help, look for it after he’s had time to unwind but before you sit down for dinner. Assuming your kids have snacked recently enough that they’re not terribly grumpy, this is a fantastic time to do a ‘family chore time’ for 20-30 minutes. (See my note on getting the kids to help, below.) After dinner is always a bad time because, let’s face it, full tummies make people tired! As for weekend help, try scheduling family chore time after breakfast but before lunch if possible. Otherwise, go for pre-dinner chores then, too.
- Don’t overwhelm him. Whether we like it or not, as boys and girls grow up, it’s usually the girls who receive more instruction on how to clean properly. In other words, you’re already at an advantage when it comes to knowing what to do and how. Simply asking your husband to “clean the family room” may mean, in his mind, “go pick up the toys” while you’re thinking “and then dust the tables, fluff the pillows, take the empty dishes to the sink and give the floor a quick vacuum”.
- Spell it out for him… simply. Hand him one of my printable chore charts. Men love charts, and reading the steps for himself means you don’t have to nag him.
- Gush with gratitude when he does help. Ever notice how a wife can do all the laundry, clean the entire house, and fix a gourmet dinner from scratch without anyone so much as noticing, but if a husband polishes water spots off a mirror he expects a standing ovation? (Or maybe that’s just how it is in my house.) As unfair as it is, as silly as it is, it makes a man nervous to go out of his comfort zone to do a chore he wasn’t raised knowing how to do. Your praise lets him know that you realize he actually helped and that he did it right (even if he didn’t).
- Pay it forward. If you’re raising boys, do the next generation of wives an enormous favor: get your sons involved in housework! Not only will you be imparting important life skills that they’ll need when they’re on their own, you’ll be helping them cut down on future domestic friction when they’re married, too!
As for getting your kids to help, no, I don’t think your children are too young. Of course, you’re the only one who really knows how independent they are, and how much responsibility they can handle. But I do think it’s vital that kids learn, from a very young age, that as part of the family they’re expected to pitch in on things that benefit the entire family. Certainly a clean, cozy house benefits everyone — especially when it means Mom has more time and energy to spend doing fun family things! So go ahead and take a peek at my list of chores kids can do and decide what your little ones are ready to handle.
Good luck, Screamer. And try to have a Happy New Year no matter how messy the house gets!
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
I must be one of the lucky ones!! My hubby has always ‘helped out’. Sometimes not in ways I really wanted him to, but I still had to appreciate it so he would eventually do the things that were really helpful!! *L* Since I’ve gotten sick he has really stepped forward and I can’t say enough good about that! I agree with your hints, though, especially timing it right. Most men will do most anything if they think it was their idea in the first place!
LOL Yes, if we put the notion in their heads they’ll run with it. I had to chuckle at your husband’s initial efforts to be helpful. Mine was the same way, and for years I wondered if he’d intentionally messed things up so I wouldn’t ask for his help anymore. Then I realized he just had no idea how to clean!
Dearest Katie,
What a humorous but very well written post! Your approach is excellent and especially the last segment I loved: “If you’re raising boys, do the next generation of wives an enormous favor: get your sons involved in housework!”
Good luck with your men.
Hugs to you,
Mariette
Hello Mariette!
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wished my mother-in-law had spent a bit more time teaching my husband things like “We don’t use the kitchen towel to wipe up spills from the floor and then rehang it!” or “It’s better to make your sandwich on your plate than directly on the counter, because you have no idea what was sitting there previously and, besides, wiping your mess up with your hand STILL leaves a mess!”
Needless to say, I’m making a point to teach my son to clean well. I figure his future wife will have plenty of other reasons to dislike me, but this topic doesn’t need to be one.
Hugs,
Katie
Dearest Katie,
GOOD POINT!
Your future daughter-in-law will be grateful for your efforts!
Hugs,
Mariette